Contempt
I haven't posted in a week or two. Lately I've just been critical, and I don't know why. A few words come to mind: disillusioned, ticked, cynical, etc. These feelings are rather distracting, and its hard to focus on God sometimes.
I read today's Utmost and now I know why. Here's an excerpt:
The Distraction of Contempt
Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on us! For we are exceedingly filled with contempt —Psalm 123:3
[...]When we discern that other people are not growing spiritually and allow that discernment to turn to criticism, we block our fellowship with God. God never gives us discernment so that we may criticize, but that we may intercede.I believe I have been given a degree of discernment... that I don't know what to do with.
It's like goi
ng to medical school but only learning what can go wrong with people. You desperately want to be able to do something about it, but you don't even know where to begin or even what to do. A few fumbled tries and soon you just feel like giving up. Then you look at other people pretending to know what they're doing and you begin to criticize them. They fail too, and you're not happy that they failed, you're even more upset that you were right.No wonder I'm depressed, ticked off and confused.
The fact is, I will never know how to help people as God helps people. I can only submit myself to be used of him when he desires, and in the mean time I am to intercede for the problems I have been allowed to discern. I think that has been the source of my frustration: instead of turning my concerns into intercession, I have chosen the road of despair.
And that wreaks havoc on your relationship with God.
I always feel better when I take some time to really just give it to God, and I don't mean yell at him or get mad at Jesus. I mean really get mad at sin in prayer and passionately intercede for a situation. Maybe even shed a few tears for someone who is bound by chains of sin and can't seem to get free or doesn't seem to be growing. I'm talking some real Davidic Psalms type of prayer. Not only do I feel better, but isn't that way more valuable to everyone than me walking around in an endless "sigh"??
3 comments:
Hey, this is Amber :)
I think this post is crazy ironic... because I feel like it explains exactly how I've been feeling, and I haven't known why. I guess I tend to feel down and out or frustrated when I get stressed with school and deciding between doing what I have to do and doing what I want to do, because I have to choose what I "have to do" and then I get frustrated when I can't do so much of working on relationships with those around me... it makes me sad. haha but anyway, I think that this really hit home for me, and I thought that was rather ironic.
Thanks for this post... I think you read my mail.
Andy,
This is very, very good. That might sound odd considering the topic, but the truth is you are exactly where you need to be. You are a real disciple. You can tell that you are when Jesus starts causing you to see what he sees instead of letting you bumble along in your blissful, "I'm doing God a big favor by being in ministry" ignorance. Our usefulness is directly connected to our willingness to bear the suffering of others (Gal. 6:1).
I think what the Spirit is doing in you is to create a gentleness that can be depended on to help others. Basically, your heart is being broken. We can't help. Your med school analogy is a great one because it is exactly what you are experiencing. You are beginning to see the core issues and they can't be solved by, "you just need to get into church," or "read your Bible - pray more." You're seeing the strongholds (as Paul calls them) that really bind people and you are correctly guess that we are totally incapable of tearing those down by our own committedness and diligence.
The best thing I've read all week is when you noted that you have begun interceding instead of getting depressed. Read Heb 7:25 in the Amplified Bible. You are walking the path of Jesus, Andy. This is what he does. First he makes petition "for" us, then intercession "with" God and then intervention on our behalf. As you intercede, it will not be long before the Spirit gives birth to ideas that will get you more specifically involved - intervening on the behalf of others. Things that will seem simple or even silly to your natural mind will bear great fruit because they were born in the Spirit to do a spiritual job.
This is what ministry and calling is all about. It is about being broken and destroyed by the wounds and bondages of others - turning that chaos over to the Lord and allowing him to work free from our good intentions - trusting him by doing the simple things he gives us during intercession.
I'm so thrilled in my heart to know that this is "where you are." Don't ever evade this pain and discontentment. Don't ever draw a line that the Spirit cannot take you past. As much as you think you never would, remember and cherish this process because it will repeat itself with greater and greater intensity throughout your life. It means being released to actual "ministry." It is the difference between wanting some venue to "use your gift," and deciding that you'd rather be used "as a gift" (Eph. 4:11).
Okay... I'll get my own website if want to write something this long again :-)
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