Dejection by Lust

I want to reiterate how heavily I am influenced by My Utmost For His Highest before I start this post. That daily devotional has nailed me to the wall more times than I can keep count. I guess God can use anything to communicate to us, and maybe one day the stream will run dry. But as long as I'm getting gold from that devotional, I will continue to blog about its personal application in my life.

A couple posts ago, I talked about the relationship-centered way I want to live my life. I remember mentioning the fact that I get depressed very quickly when I try to put something in God's place. Well, the past few days have been just like that. It's funny that even when you know what you are supposed to do, you are still just as likely to do the opposite. Having understanding and having the will to respond to that understanding are two different things.

I think that's another reason that I am not a fan of "worship service-centered" church. When the center of everything you do is a performance, there is this lingering feeling of hypocrisy. To put on a good show, you need to always be "on." You need to have everything figured out, and you need to have a fake smile on your face showing this false truth. No one likes a dejected worship leader or a discouraged public speaker. That's why the most popular church leaders are often the ones that are the best at faking it. I'm not even dogging on ministers though, because the pastor or priest usually gets the short end of that stick. Everyone expects perfection from these people, when they are just people. They have struggles and weaknesses the same as any member of the congregation, yet they are put on the ivory platform and held to an impossible standard. Ministers are people with a call on their life, but look at all the people in the Bible with calls on their lives...Jacob, Moses, David, etc. They ALL have sin issues, and they aren't always "on." I am not saying we should expect less of ministers; I am saying we should not expect more of them than any other believer. Stop worshiping people in charge, and start worshiping Jesus.

But I digress, that has little to do with what I want to write about.

Anyway, I've just learned another lesson on how much God wants to be the object of our pursuit rather than a means to our goal of success/understanding/power/wealth/popularity. Here's a good question: why do we always seem to seek God when we need or want something from Him? Why do we choose to fast right before some major event we have planned?

According to MUFHH, dejection comes from fulfilling a lust or from an unfulfilled lust. He defines lust as, "I must have it at once." I appreciated this definition because I don't believe that lust only refers to uncontrolled sexual desire. I remember looking up "lust" in a concordance once. There are all sorts of lusts you can have, and they are all out of balance with how God wants us to live...by faith.

I recently discovered a new set of options for my future, and I immediately became desperate for God to tell me that I was supposed to do what I wanted to do. I didn't recieve the confirmation or answer I wanted, so that led to panic. It's not that I was blatantly committing a sin that led to my dejection. It's more that I left faith behind and decided to lust after knowledge that God did not want to give me for reasons that are His alone. I wanted a picture of my future "at once."

Instead, I was gently reminded that I have been put where I am right now for a reason, and I am to accomplish the tasks He puts closest to me right now to prepare myself for the next season. The concerns I have are not the concerns that God has. I worry about finding a job, finding a wife, finding possessions. God is more concerned with our relationship. It must hurt Him when I care more about pursuing things I should be trusting God for, instead of pursuing Him. God should be my reward, not earthly lusts...

Not a family.
Not popularity.
Not success.
Not knowledge.
Not power.
Not wealth.
Not status.

There is nothing inherently wrong with those things, but I must jump over every hurdle that tries to keep me from putting my total trust in God. This isn't denying that there are times I may not be "on." This is drawing my strength from God's well when there are wells that are much more convenient to use. This is becoming recklessly dependent on God even when I don't have to.

Thank God for not giving in to my demands when I seek an answer before seeking His face.