Barrenness

I guess the message lately is that there is no message.

Oswald Chambers says that in order for God to bring us out of a state of faith the relies solely on feelings and blessings to stay alive, God must scatter us to a place of desolation where we see how empty and bare our lives really are.

Now don't get me wrong, I have been blessed immensely. Just yesterday I was marveling at the fact that I am going to receive a substantial tax refund. This my first year doing my own taxes (kinda), so I wasn't expecting a large sum of money around this time. Of course, that was money I earned in the first place, but even if I didn't get it, I am a mother effin' rich American. I eat whenever I'm hungry and I can buy clothes whenever I require them and I have everything I need. What did I do to deserve this? There are people all over the world that struggle to have a decent level of nutrition. It's like I have won the lottery to not have to worry about such things. But I digress.

Even though I really am thankful for the irony of my financial stability during a recession, there is an overwhelming sense of complete emptiness that has pervaded my existence for the past 8 months. So much this is so, that I have question the point of continuing.

Without God, I would kill myself. There is absolutely nothing on this earth that I want. NOTHING. Every lofty endeavor ends with a dead end. Fame is a burden, because whatever gets you there has to continue to keep you there. You become a slave to fame to keep people your slaves. Power and riches just bring more responsibility. You can't talk about wealth in this country without someone making you feel guilty. All beauty fades. Knowledge brings depression. Philanthropy is hollow and fake. Any kind of vocational pursuit doesn't really matter because will it really change anything in a thousand years? No, it's just a paycheck...just delaying starvation for another day. Without God, America is left busying itself in a maze of unfulfillment. We're constantly thinking "if I have ____, then I will be happy," and we're foolish enough to believe that crock while we bounce from discovery to discovery until we finally learn: without Jesus, life is trivia.

And when we truly believe this, our faith has matured to the next step. But it is a concept easier talked about than believed. In order for us to really believe it, we must push through the desolation. I have not made it out yet because life still seems pretty pointless right now, despite the occasional chance I get to make myself laugh. I want to change that picture up there on this blog to one of me looking down several empty hallways instead of stairways.

I know the gospel message, but I haven't been given my mission yet. I am Moses after killing an Egyptian and realizing my efforts to save people will only add to the difficulty. I am Joseph in prison. I am Jesus being tempted in the desert. I am a blind Saul in Damascus.

I am a scattered disciple, disillusioned with the world... but Jesus has overcome the world. I will wait for Him.